Although Bint claims, "If I could go back 25 years and start again I would," hisinterview hits some unrepentant notes as well. "What I've done is turned a lot of my dreams into reality," He told the Daily Mail. "I've gone that extra step. Instead of fantasizing what it would be like to own a Ferrari I went out and got one." Dealbreaker hypothesizes about which is the most plausible Bint lie here.)
So, now that Bint's (second) jail term is behind him, will he play by the rules? "...I can't say never again. Let's be honest, nobody would believe me if I said was going straight," he told the Daily Mail.
Many more details of his outrageous lies and manipulations can be found here
BBC's Crimewatch has put together an ingenious renactment of Bint's downfall. It began in a taxi cab .
For everything that gives us comfort and pleasure, obviously shifting from a lot to a little would be tougher than shifting from none to a few. So, if for a while we simulate a situation that denies us the stimulant completely, the shift changes perspective.
Take a child who craves chocolates all day through. Try and decrease her supply from five to one and she will not accept it, so used is she to five. Stop her supply for a few days, telling her clearly the denial is just for a limited period so as to win her cooperation. And then when the time comes, give her one a day. Comparing this to the total denial, she may be able to happily accept the new situation!
The same technique can work for relationships as well. Minimising contact with someone you are close to can be a slow and painful process, involving much heartache. And if you know its forever, it involves a lot more angst and hesitation. You keep telling yourself you should stay away and still are not able to do so. You allow yourself that one text message that leads to another, that one conversation that leads to a meeting, that one meeting that makes it difficult to move away again. Sometimes one partner is able to move on faster than the other, who may keep knocking at a door that’s long been shut with demands that cannot be met any more, thus losing dignity in the process. Perhaps that’s why they say ex-lovers can never be friends.
But what if you were to give yourself a month of total separation without any contact you know it’s just for a month, so there is something to look forward to. And if there is a glimmer of hope in the distance that carries you forth,the situation always becomes easier. As you near the end of the month, you can decide on the coordinates for a new relationship , afriendship . For now you have seen that you can be in control of the situation and this confidence arms you with a new power. And you may be able to prove wrong the adage that you cannot be friends with a former flame!
The point is that now you approach the situation with lowered expectations and so there is lesser scope for disappointment. Every relationship has its high points which are bound to be levelled out over time. If we base our expectations forever on those highs, the rest of the relationship is bound to be disappointing. For a stable, lasting relationship, you have to learn to deal with expectations. This is exactly what we do when we distance ourselves from a situation in order to get an objective perspective, which distance always provides us with.
Looking for a professional nod for my sugar theory, I consulted my friend , psychiatrist Dr Deepak Raheja. He at once confirmed, the parameters of comparison are determined by the baseline. If you increase the threshold, it alters the neuro adaptation in that frame you mentally, physically and psychologically get used to that lesser amount of interaction. Sometimes weaning doesn’t work and it is more effective to snap the cord. When you do this, the craving is a lot more. And then the re-experience helps the mind accept better.
He went on to explain theories of attachment which state that when you get attached, it fosters a state of dependence and lead to an increase in receptors in the brain that determine binding, and the body starts yearning. A smaller amount of the usual dose isn’t enough to satisfy the receptors It is only when you give it the shock of total denial that the receptors are able to accept the lesser stimuli.
However, the doctor warns that this is not likely to work in extreme situations, such as people with sexual addiction, etc. In extreme situations, unless dynamics of the mind are worked on, the mind will still keep yearning.
Even stellar relationships lose their spark over time. Here are the ingredients of a lasting, fruitful partnership, and techniques for weathering the stormy periods.
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describe it as a process of "individuation," with each party becoming a more sophisticated person through the ups and downs. The ancient tale of Amor and Psyche depict love as a rite of passage, full of trials that eventually lead to a productive union.
I have been practicing psychotherapy for 35 years. Much of that time has been devoted to matters of love. Out of that experience, I can distill five basic issues that people face. These can be seen as guidelines for loving:
- Love your partner. People struggling in a relationship are often focused more on themselves than on their
partners . Or they worry so much about the quality of interactions that they don't see their partners as separate people. Jung once said that people often mistakenly assume that their partners have the same psychological make-up as they do. In this context, I would define love as taking an interest in your partner's life as different from your own. When I do therapy withcouples , I sometimes ask one partner to sit aside and observe as I speak about deep matters with the other. I hope that each person will come to appreciate the other's complexity, depth and difference. - Deal with shadow elements. Another person is bound to have ideas, behaviors and emotions that are particularly difficult for you. We are all raised differently and may have different spiritual and religious ideas, and certainly different ways of doing things. These may touch the shadow in a partner, raising issues that are taboo or anxiety-filled. It helps to anticipate these shadow factors and make them part of your philosophy of love. Many people go into a relationship unconsciously and deal minute-by-minute with its challenges. It's better to have thought things through and come up with a working and flexible philosophy that includes dealing with differences.
- Diffuse your sexuality. Sex is not only about love-making, but about having pleasure and fun in a broader sense. You can develop a life of pleasure with your partner, doing things that give deep satisfaction. It's not just about partying, but enjoying nature, the arts, yoga or some other spirit and body care. A sensuous life can make love-making less pressured and more enjoyable. Take care of your body. Baths and oils and sensuous clothes don't have to be superficial. It all depends on your attitude. Many people have deep puritanical ideas about the body that carry over into relationships. Often these ideas come from one's family background, or sometimes they're just in the air. Love asks for some indulgence and lightness.
- Aim for friendship. Many happily married couples say that what makes their relationship work is that their lover is also a friend. The history of philosophy would support that idea. Many writers of the past have said that friendship is the most important pleasure that life offers. You may be an intense lover and yet are still on the way toward friendship. It is a kind of love that is relatively free of illusions and wild emotions. It tends to be steady and aims at the well-being of the other. But you have to cultivate friendship. It doesn't come into being automatically, and it fades from lack of attention. Intense relationships don't seem to do well in the unrelenting fire of passions. Friendship is cooler, but, of course, not cold. It is a warm way of being together that takes its pleasure from sheer companionship, rather than from the cauldron of needs and desires that usually make romantic love so hot.
- Make a life. Some couples are so focused on each other that they get tied up in interpretive knots that choke the relationship. Or it dries out from excessive analysis and attention. Love between two people naturally spills over into a community of friends, renewed contact with family members, making a home, perhaps having children and creating a life that extends beyond the couple. You can cultivate a life together and not just a relationship. Often this means learning about your partner's interests and work and finding common activities in society. Love presses outward, feeding the world from the intensity of its passion. I often imagine world peace growing out of good sex and the interesting lives of couples. Our imagination of a relationship could be larger in scope and more dynamic. We could understand our feelings of love and our struggles to be reaching into a world in need of what we have found in the privacy of our personal lives.
Plato said that love is a mania -- a good kind of madness that drives us crazy and yet makes a world. Ancient philosophers said that the same drive that draws us together keeps the planets in orbit. Our loves are large in scope and definitely deserve creative attention and constant devotion.
Even stellar relationships lose their spark over time. Here are the ingredients of a lasting, fruitful partnership, and techniques for weathering the stormy periods.
Joy, passion, great sex: when a couple heads into marriage , this is what they have in mind. Of course they want their relationship to last—but without losing a shred of that initial high from when they first met, began courting, and fell in love. But people change. Relationships change. Some couples’ bonds deepen and relationships flourish over time; other partnerships don’t fare as well. When our relationships lose intimacy—as many of us fear they will—is the love lost forever or just temporarily misplaced?
As a marriage and family therapist in practice for 40 years (and married for nearly 35), one thing I’ve learned is that even stellar relationships lose their spark over time. I help people understand how to weatherproof their relationships for the long run.
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Research shows that modern couples are looking for a partnership that’s “interesting.” They want partners who enhance their lives and with whom they can grow over time. Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. at Monmouth University in New Jersey talks about “self-expansion”: how people learn about themselves from their relationships. His research demonstrates that as self-expansion increases, so do commitment and relationship satisfaction. In expansive partnerships, he argues, couples don’t lose themselves in the marriage—they grow in it. Behaviors and character traits that had previously not been a part of their identity become essential to how they experience life.
UCLA’s Family Studies Center researched 1,500 couples who had been together for five or more years and who acknowledged having a strong, close, deeply committed bond. The couples revealed six common characteristics:
There was a physical attraction between them.
They were in the relationship out of clear choice rather than out of obligation or fear of being alone.
They shared fundamental values, beliefs, interests, and goals.
They were able to express anger clearly and directly and they resolved differences through communication and compromise.
They experienced laughter, fun, pleasure, and play with each other.
They were able to express support for each other and support each other’s activities, interests, and careers.
In relationships with potential for durable longevity, each individual is willing to make the relationship a priority, giving it time, energy, and sustenance. As couples age together, the traits inherent in true friendship and close companionship take on greater significance. The partners constantly re-choose each other and feed positive energy to the relationship. They have each other’s back. They look out for each other.
In healthy relationships, both partners feel appreciated. He knows she respects and admires him; she feels nurtured and desired by him. Men tell me that their partner’s sweetness helps them to keep their hearts open. Women tell me that a man’s self-confidence is sexy. Conversely, men fear and resent it when their partners lose the sweetness and become brittle, bitter, and “bitchy.” Women fear and resent it when their partners become disengaged and either passive or controlling.
For a woman to remain vulnerable and open to her partner, and to exude that attractive energy so that a man stays turned on, she needs to feel secure and special. If she gets any messages that she’s not the number-one person in his life, she will start to close up, and then after a while the mutual attraction will wane. Understanding is the bridge to compassion, and compassion can be the spark that reignites the passion.
For a man to remain available to his partner and to emit that attractive energy so that she stays turned on, he needs to feel honored. A man’s sense of self is to a large degree determined by his feeling productive and useful. A man’s character counts tremendously. Integrity is central to his feeling like the good man his partner needs and deserves.
Generally speaking, the truth works—so tell it as currently, clearly, completely, and compassionately as possible.
Many marriages end in divorce because one or both partners can no longer communicate honestly. When there are too many withheld feelings and thoughts, the life of the relationship gets snuffed out. The personal safety that one feels in the presence of the other is key to promoting open and vulnerable communication. True intimacy is determined by the degree to which partners can communicate safely and vulnerably.
Candid communication can be very invigorating, leading to mutual respect and appreciation, rekindled passion, and dynamic sex. His communication might be: “Honey, I know we’ve both been working long hours and have been quite tired lately. I want you to know how much the kids and I appreciate all your efforts on our behalf. I also want you to know that I’m missing the intimate time that we used to have just for us. I’d like to find a way to put it back into our relationship.” Her response might be: “Do you think we can come home for lunch one day during the week?” And then, “How about a ‘nooner’ this Friday?”
Loving communication creates arousal, passion, and intimacy. Maintaining a sense of humor can go a long way toward easing tension and smoothing ruffled edges. Remember the importance of courting each other throughout the full length of the relationship. Avoid taking each other for granted. Recall how it felt when you were first discovering each other and were falling deeply and madly in love—it’s possible to fall all over again.
Stephen J. Johnson, Ph.D., MFT, has a psychotherapy practice in Beverly Hills and Woodland Hills, California and is the Founder and Director of The Men’s Center of Los Angeles (since 1988). He is completing a book titled: Man Up! What it takes to be a Good Man Today.
More From Our Special Marriage Section:
When Tom Forrister transitioned from female to male, his same-sex marriage became a federally-recognized, “traditional” marriage. The one constant was the bond he shared with his wife: My Exemplary, Everyday Marriage
Guys may think leaving is the right thing to do for the sake of the family, but according to family lawyer David Pisarra, there are a few things they should know before—and after—they walk out that door: A Guy’s Divorce Survival Guide
The nightmare of family court is enough to deter a guy from even thinking about tying the knot. Marriage: Just Don’t
For all the stories written by and for women on this issue—and there are few—men are more likely to be absent from the public dialogue about intentional childlessness. Why aren’t men’s stories also being heard? Two Is Enough
If you’re married and using Internet porn regularly, your sex life—the one with your wife—is probably a lot less satisfying than it could be: How Porn Can Ruin Your Sex Life—and Your Marriage
Men are more promiscuous than women, but that doesn’t mean we should buy the cultural fallacy that men are programmed to cheat; the vast majority of men are happily, naturally monogamous: Are Men Natural-Born Cheaters?
As Gabi Coatsworth’s son’s bipolar disorder gave way to full-blown manic episodes, she watched her husband slip deeper into drink and detachment: Reading Between the Silences
Tom Matlack talks to married men to find out when they knew their wife was “the one”: She’s the One
Monogamy sounds like “monotony,” but it doesn’t have to be monotonous. Hugo Schwyzer explores how we can have the security—and the novelty—we desire in our relationships: Red-Hot Monogamy
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