Datuk Seri Nazri Aziz to MCA Keep Your Eye On The Ball So You Don't Lose Out Anymore You're Either Divorced or Not - Which is it?

Datuk Seri Nazri Aziz’s comments, which were published yesterday in the Chinese dailyNanyang Siang Pau, had painted MCA as a aggrieved woman” or a “wife who complains all day long that she was being abused, raped and not given enough food, but yet does not want to divorce her husband.”Eva Longoria, the actress who plays Gabrielle Solis on ABC's Desperate Housewives, apparently didn't see it coming: the betrayal that led to the end of her marriage to Tony Parker, NBA star point guard for the San Antonio Spurs. While usually there are signs, they are easily missed because often trust is blind. That is the only way her husband could allegedly wind up cheating with one of Eva's good friends, who was the wife of his teammate. While infidelity is, of course, not the only factor that leads to divorce, it is not uncommon for people to ignore whatever the problem might be in their marriage to avoid dealing with it as long as they can. It is surprisingly easy for people to miss what is right in front of them, and often that is amplified by handling a divorce that has left them thrown off balance or depleted and emotionally worn out. In reading the articles about Eva's financial struggles, namely that Beso, the restaurant she co-owns, has fallen into bankruptcy, I was not surprised because it is typical for the loss you have already been through with your separation or divorce to replicate itself in other parts of your life. Often, people end up experiencing loss in a panoramic sense-- it finds its way into everything, taking over even more than their love and home life. Eva is so down, so caught off guard by the discovery of her husband's affair and the breakup of her marriage, as anyone would be, that she has become highly susceptible to further loss. But it doesn't have to be that way, for Eva, or for you if you find yourself in a similar situation. Don't let yourself turn a blind eye to other corners of your life that need your attention, places where you can still make a difference. If I could talk to her, I would tell her to be aware and take care by paying attention to everything around her so that this doesn't happen. For some people, it might be as simple as keeping track of your wallet and cell phone. For others, it might mean being careful to nurture friendships that if left unattended might be lost. If, for example, people in your life such as your family, friends and professionals help in one way or another, make sure that ultimately you are the one calling the shots, that you are involved in the choices made, instead of simply trusting that they have your best interest at heart as you may have done in your marriage. At this point, it is important to step up and take charge. Given what is taking place with Eva's restaurants, I would guess that she trusted, or relied on, the people she is doing business with more than they warranted. As you go through a divorce and after it is finalized, keep your eye on the ball and hold onto what remains vital and important. Instead of having to make joint decisions as you did in your marriage, you are now the captain of your own ship, for better or worse. It is a time to be particularly vigilant and hands-on, to take control and pay attention to all the details in your life. There are some things you can't help--there is always some practical and unavoidable loss when you get divorced including property and sometimes even friends. But if there is any lesson here, it is to not drop the ball but instead continue to focus on and sustain the other things you still have in your life, thereby curbing the widespread devastation. Yes MCA a “grieved woman” who was “sexually abused” but refusing to divorce her husband, in this case, the Barisan Nasional (BN). MCA will not be discouraged by statements such as we MCA are Prostitute , but rather, we will continue to voice our dissatisfactions whenever there is unfairness or untruth. We will not keep quiet. MCA represents the Prostitute’s voice and we will not take a single step back when facing barriers,” he said. While many people state that going through divorce is the most difficult time in one's life, it can also be a time of hope. It can allow you to move forward, make changes, establish healthy relationships and become a better parent. Imagine that you are told that your partner is leaving and your children know nothing about it. How do you continue with your everyday life, while surviving this initial pain? I decided to answer this question by interviewing some of the peer counselors at our center, the National Family Resiliency Center (NFRC). These peer counselors are people who have previously gone through the family transition of divorce, who now feel comfortable with their adjustment, and who want to help others learn to cope with the transition. I asked these peer counselors about how they permitted themselves to be vulnerable and honest with themselves during such difficult times. Here are some of their inspiring stories. Peer Counselor 1 For me, when I finally left (the relationship) the first thing that happened is I started to realize how much chaos I was living in with my ex-partner. And, I think, what was it about me that made me live in an environment with a person who was so mean and manipulative that I doubted myself? Why was this acceptable or normal to me? Later, I realized my reactions were completely skewed, and I leaned heavily on family and friends to help me see a different "normal". I decided that I was going to be honest and I decided there were a few people who I had to trust to help me. When I think back on that time, I realize how vulnerable I was, and I did choose very carefully who I would trust. My advice would be to be brave enough to figure out what about yourself made living in an intolerable situation tolerable. The next step is to decide to change and enlist a trusted person to help. Peer Counselor 2 An adult can be vulnerable after separation/divorce if he/she is the person leaving or if he/she is being left. In either case, there is judgment by family and friends because people who care about you want someone to blame. My former husband and I actually had friends and family that insisted on knowing who was at fault. We refused to play that game. If you are the one declaring the marriage over, you can be seen as self-centered, unloving, selfish, controlling, etc. If you are being left, you can be open to being pitied, looked at as a failure, and seen as a victim. It is important for you to get a handle on yourself before others paint your picture. If you don't, they will use their own brush strokes and you run the risk of becoming their perception, not yours. Peer Counselor 3 In order to grow and move forward, I had to spend time enriching myself to the deepest core. If you take an "eye for an eye" approach, you are never fulfilled, you are always stuck "reacting to the reaction." While there were times when I wanted to fight, at a certain point I realized that I needed to turn my cheek and let it go. We are parents whether we are married or not married and so we still needed to be able to talk. A few specific things helped me focus: seeking mental health support and learning that kids want to love their parents and don't care who is right or wrong. While our peer counselors have had the opportunity to work hard on these issues, you may be just starting, so we hope the following strategies can serve as guidelines to help you make positive changes. 1. Seek any kind of support that will help you. It can be a best friend, a pastor, or someone else who went through a divorce. 2. Give yourself credit for how you are getting through day by day; however it is alright to acknowledge and express your pain to close friends and family. 3. Swallow your pride and find support if you haven't already. Support can be getting together with a friend who genuinely cares about you, your faith community and/or your extended family. 4. Try to separate your issues from your children's. Children "know" what is happening and need you to be there for them. At the same time, it is okay to be honest about your feelings as long as you don't confide in them or bad mouth the other parent. Moving forward takes time, a lot of hard work, perseverance and the belief that you count! Enjoy being vulnerable, watch with whom you are vulnerable, and give yourself credit for being youCathy was unfaithful to her husband and is now divorced. She shares her deepest thoughts and feelings about why she did it and what she wishes she knew before she ever cheated. In my research, 4 out of 10 women said they had physically cheated on their husbands. We tend to think that behind every infidelity is a miserable, broken marriage. In Part I, Cathy shares how she ended up cheating even though she felt she was in a good marriage. It was a newfound hobby that gave her the uninteruppted time with another man that she now wishes she'd spend with her husband. Cathy teaches us how crucial time is for any romantic relationship. In my research, the majority of happy women reported spending more than 30 minutes a day on average talking to their men as compared to unhappy women who spent much less time. After all, we can talk about communication and every other great relationship technique but if there's no time, little else can help.

BY MEHRUNISA QAYYUM, MARCH 23, 2011 Historians categorize the earliest men and women into starkly simple gender roles—hunters and gatherers. Men would hunt to provide live game for the society, while women would forage for edible plants, berries, and useful materials with which to build shelter. The female also kept watch over the children. In fact, as she gathered materials, her peripheral vision evolved to cover a wider range, allowing her to literally watch the children from the corner of her eyes.

Pre-modern women represent the first multitaskers, and to this day females carry on a juggling act-simply look around at a grocery store and notice how moms fill up their carts, and catch up on the phone, all the while making sure the kids are not running amok. According to a market study entitled “Men Buy, Women Shop,” this gender based classification holds true even today. Men remain focused on their mission, in other words, the item they are searching for, while shopping. Women, on the other hand prefer to peruse through goods and solicit the advice of sales associates. Women gather information to inform their preferences as they walk around, smell perfume, and sample cosmetics. Why not harness our natural tendency to acquire information and apply it at the juncture where the entrepreneurial motive for profit meets the social impact mission? The following three-part “poem” explores the idea that by tapping into their roles as gatherers, planners, and multitaskers, women can use market research to transform human capital (family) into social capital (immeasurable social welfare or public gains). Women Predict Trends & Irrational Behaviors… Market research gurus—especially female executives like Kay Nash—write about random observations on fads and trends. In fact, studies show how “half-off” incentives push a female consumer to buy shoes that “sorta fit” - she pretends… Dan Ariely, the behavioral economist and writer behind Predictably Irrational, still hasn’t addressed some of my behavioral observations. I have observed how perfectly rational, educated, and forward-thinking Muslim women do random things and land in irrational situations. Three questions continue to baffle me as I witness what I couldn’t have predicted. These questions cross generations—the answers are not culture specific or restricted. 1) Why do some mothers collect tea sets, bath towels, and jewelry? Although they are bought on sale, critics shout “What is this tomfoolery!” These moms choose their daughters’ wedding dresses before the girl even starts high school, and call it an investment? However, I imagine that economists would argue that such allocations would be an opportunity cost, if not a divestment! 2) Why did my highly educated friend run amok at the Crate & Barrel to create a Bridal Registry, tagging many items, but forgetting to tag the husband-to-be? It might seem downright silly, but when was the last time you witnessed a Muslim-American man bow down and practice the phrase, “Will you marry me?” 3) Why do sane teenage and college women obsess about putting on neutral colored makeup and donning the nude lip to look more natural? I’m not arguing whether makeup is Islamic or not—I believe that ideas of beauty are sociological, cultural and downright ephemeral. Do these market trends represent what we, living in a modern society, could have predicted? Maybe our Muslim-American identity, culture, and structure have not completely shifted? Or could I have foreseen these random acts of odd behavior if I had remembered that women are born Gatherers and Planners? Gallup’s “Well-Being Index” inspired reflection on the effects of certain Obsessive Compulsive Disorder manners. Women Operate As the Gatherers And As Planners… In Pre-Modern society, we gathered the berries, veggies, children, wood, hand-made tools, animals, and a variety of other house-building materials. Now we gather “organic” berries, veggies, the same kids and pets—but we document how we gather in albums—and use coupons for scrapbooking deals. Prior to the Industrial Revolution, we planned the tea parties, the lunches, the marches, the halaqas, the protests, the yearly kids’ birthdays and the weddings. In the Post-Industrial Revolution, we still plan the birthday parties but renamed the remaining fun as “Committee” lunches or “Girls’ Night Out” festivities. Between both these periods we managed to plan our household budgets, our college/graduate applications, and collective movements to get things done. But then we took it too far, by planning our weddings before we even settled down in our minds with someone specific—which is adventurous minus the fun! Perhaps these processes happen so automatically in our minds as we’ve progressed through the millennia. I am concerned that we have forgotten that not all men have progressed with us as we plan in their absentia. Women Flourish As Task-Masters… No matter which time period we review, we know that women have definitely mastered multitasking. Despite women’s challenges, they manage to communicate because they’re not afraid of asking. Women improve themselves, their loved ones, as well as the environments surrounding them. Forget those men who believe feedback is nagging—they are not known for their skills of verbatim. Men as the hunters, are so focused, they tend to use less words to communicate. Meanwhile, women gather information and plan tasks as they contemplate. But at the end of the day, if women continue to excel as gatherers, planners, and multitaskers. I hope that these traits are appreciated by those around them and they are viewed as over-achievers. Rather than remain driven to such extremes of these naturally evolving adaptations and qualities… The mom, the single professional, and the teen should run their own market research companies. What some may call OCD mannerisms, I call unchanneled energies or synergies. Some question, if not criticize, women’s exchange of reverberating pleasantries. However, I refer to this small talk or chit-chat as well-executed “strategery.” Remember, women excel as gatherers, planners, and other such task mastery.