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Zahra Haider’s real crime is that she’s been candid about her love life and worse, found her Pakistani lovers wanting
Earlier this week, a young Pakistani woman wrote a candid piece online about her premarital sex life in Islamabad. Alleging that Pakistanis watch more porn privately than any other nation in the world (she didn’t quote her sources) while publicly maintaining a façade of piety, she took them to task for being a bunch of sexually repressed hypocrites. She didn’t just dole it out, she was pretty forthright about herself. She listed the number of partners she’d had (a dozen by the age of 19) and described the location of her trysts (cars, expensive hotel rooms, and once her boyfriend’s father’s office which had an attached bedroom – your surprise is not unmerited).
But she didn’t have a great time because of all the secrecy, lies and subterfuge involved. And the fact that her partners were an unadventurous, boring lot.
She had the gumption to write all this under her own name: Zahra Haider. Miss Haider currently lives in Canada where she is dating non-judgmental, non-Pakistani men and having, by her own account, a fulfilling experience.
Meanwhile in her home country, the proverbial s*** has hit the fan. Her compatriots — most of them men, I must add — have spewed their fury, outrage and disgust in a stream of abusive tweets. Admittedly a few have also maintained that her private life is her own business. I won’t go into what some have threatened to do to her but suffice it to say she has been denounced for all manner of sins. She’s a liar. She’s a slut. She’s brought shame to her family.
Shame to her name. Shame to the nation. (Funny how any number of factual reports of child abuse, gang rapes and honour killings don’t bring the nation into disrepute but one woman’s personal views on sex between consenting adults disgrace us all.) No doubt it’s only a matter of time before Miss Haider is also accused of being a traitor. Obviously she’s been put up to it for some vast but undisclosed sum by the enemies of our nation to ‘show us in bad light’. Obviously she should promptly pack her bags and shove off to the decadent, immoral West where she so clearly belongs. Were she not already there.
By far the weirdest accusation being hurled at her comes from a fervent supporter of Imran Khan’s opposition party, PTI. In a truly bizarre stretch of the imagination, this particular rant holds PML-N,
the ruling party, responsible for the shame heaped upon the nation by Miss Haider’s shocking disclosures. Why? Because she was once the class fellow of Maryam Nawaz, the Prime Minister’s daughter. Yes, go figure.
Quite clearly, Miss Haider has become a lightning rod for all sorts of ugly prejudices, insecurities and anxieties. It is worth stressing that what she says in her article is hardly revelatory. We all know that there’s plenty of pre- and extra-marital sex around, and has been forever. That we like to deny its existence for reasons of honour or propriety is no secret either. In providing her own evidence, Ms Haider has made clear the disconnect there. All she’s asked for, really, is more openness and honesty.
I can see why her demand has discomfited many. She’s asking for a fundamental change in societal attitude, one that goes against millennia of custom and tradition. When that change involves women, men go ballistic. If any evidence were needed simply consider the bitter opposition to the Punjab’s protection bill for women. But I suspect Miss Haider’s real crime is that she’s made so bold as to talk of her love life openly and worse, found her Pakistani lovers wanting.
The depressing fact is that men the world over resent outspoken, confident women. The Guardian newspaper recently ran a survey in Britain investigating online abuse experienced by its writers and discovered that female columnists, particularly non-white female columnists, were subjected to much greater, much nastier trolling than their male counterparts. Had Miss Haider’s article been penned by a man, I’m convinced it would not have generated half as much controversy as it has. But because she’s a woman, and a desi woman at that, she must be put in her place. Misogyny is rampant everywhere but online it is out of control.
Though it pains me to admit it, I’m not surprised by the viciousness. For that matter, Ms Haider couldn’t have lived in Pakistan for 19 years and not known that. But she wrote it any way. So kudos to her.
Familiarity may or may not breed contempt, but it does breed boredom and a careless disregard of partners — a major reason for affairs. It may be all very well for Queen Victoria to ‘lie back and think of England’, but lesser mortals do think of other flesh and blood men/women when they close their eyes! And sometimes, these fantasies may spill into the real world too.
Technology gives us easy access and a fair bit of privacy and anonymity; with this, striking a friendship and building it to a crescendo was never easier! And then, just one step out of the virtual into the real world, and in the first flush of love chemicals, an extramarital affair is born…
It is not surprising that in an age that encourages self-exploration and fulfillment, it is boredom or search for excitement that leads to as many affairs as do actual bad marriages. Those in a perfectly rounded marriage are just as likely to stray into attractive, forbidden territory as those busy dealing with the jagged edges of relationships. Why do people stray? Is it the spark they miss in their marriages, or the sex? Are they looking for company and a bit of romance? Or, is it the high from lying and hiding?
There can obviously not be any one reason that leads people into affairs. But research shows that the two biggest reasons for men are sex and attention, while women are mostly looking for emotional validation and a cure for loneliness. This is not to say that all factors don’t work for both! Being appreciated is a deep need of both sexes, one that is ignored as couples grow apart. Men miss emotional succor and love as much as women do in a relationship; men wish to be admired for their intellect and power, and their organizational capabilities. Women on the other hand need male attention to feel sexy and desirable, for their own self-esteem.
A deep connect with another helps validate your existence as an attractive and coveted individual, giving a boost to an ego battered by life’s daily grind. The need is not always sexual; it’s emotional too. Strangely, spouses hesitate to cater to each other’s emotional needs, seeing it as a weakness that could be exploited. They also hesitate to open up with each other, treating marriage more as a battleground. This is the chink through which a dissatisfaction of the soul creeps in, leaving the field open to an extra-marital fling with a more understanding ‘other’.
As a psychiatrist friend puts it, “One yearns for someone who accepts you as you are. There is no ego here — just complete ease and peace in each other’s company. It’s the comfort of an old familiar. You are convinced you are soul mates, meeting like tired travelers, reclaiming and harvesting each other.” Interactions with your love interest offer a comforting respite – you can be yourself, and know that you are appreciated. The stakes in this relationship are not high, so you let down your guard more comfortably.
A recent survey states the average age for losingvirginity is 17. Is that so or are teenagers getting sexually active even earlier? Debarati S Sen explores ...
Apart from curiosity and boredom – two contemporary life motivators for flings — experts also cite “revenge sex” as a reason for affairs, where one indulges after s/he has been cheated by a partner.
Lastly, before seeking answers to the question how to avoid affairs, we should consider – are humans designed to be monogamous? More on that another time …
How to kick-start your libido when you have fallen out of the sex habit
Don't sext when drunk: If you can't walk straight when you are drunk, how can you be trusted to sms when you are a few drinks down. You may end up regretting the message you've sent in the morning. But there's little you can do about it.
Go slow: Don't begin with an extremely raunchy text. There has to be some foreplay before you express yourself freely. If you begin with an extremely suggestive text the person on the other hand may think you are easy. Make sure you know what you are getting into.
Be careful before you hit the 'send' button: Never chat with two people at the same time when you are sexting. You don't want to send a wrong message to the wrong person, right? And though you may think that such incidents don't happen to you, why take the chance?
Have a password for you phone: If you are into sexting and save messages on your phone make sure that your phone is well protected. Change the setting and keep a password so that no one can access the information.
Never sext your colleague: Even if you have an informal environment in your office and your team cracks many adult jokes, don't take the liberty to send sexually suggestive texts to any of your team members. If he/she takes up the matter with the higher officials you may have to face major trouble.
Is it up to self-styled “experts” to reset our moral compass and tell us what is right, and what wrong? Does the spouse decide? Or, do we depend on our own sense of morality?While love, sex and attention are traditional reasons for extra-marital affairs, contemporary times offer yet more reasons to stray…
unusual news item caught my eye. It claimed that cuddling isn’t cheating. Really? The article went on to quote an “expert” saying that so long as the spouse is aware of the snuggles, all is above board! And what kind of a spouse would allow cuddling up with another? Not surprisingly, the article maintained silence on that.
Now, if cuddles were to be allowed, would the same courtesy extend to hand holding too? After all that is another form of reassurance and camaraderie. And how about a kiss? Or, just spooning? Or sex? Where does one draw the line?And if a physical expression such as cuddling is allowed, how about emotional attachments and exchange of confidences? Is that cheating? The list is endless and the debate carries on…
Increasingly people are looking at affairs and sex outside marriage as quick fixes to boredom or to a hiccup in a relationship. Intolerance and enhanced sense of self-entitlement are high risk factors for emotional and sexual fidelity. In a consumerist culture we feel entitled to get what we want. If something breaks, the first instinct is no longer to repair; you go out and get a replacement!
But very often nothing is broken, and yet you desire something new! High expectations and romanticised ideals give people a false sense of what a marriage really is, and while we happily ride the highs, the lows leave us feeling unfulfilled, unloved, undeserved — and looking out!
Often affairs are not a matter of push, but more a projection of self. In a culture of indulgence and entitlement, where we feel empowered and ready to take on the world, sometimes the home and hearth don’t seem enough. Often in an affair, sex takes a backseat when compared to the drug-like high of the chase and conquest. The thrill of snatched moments, the edge of guilt and fear of discovery add to the adventure and make people feel truly alive, desired and worthy. And then they are all set to “cheat.”
What exactly is cheating? Is thinking about another cheating? Is talking to someone cheating? If going out with someone for a coffee is fine, would the same hold if a woman goes alone with a man for a drink, or would the latter suggest more intimacy? Is lunch ok, but not dinner?
And who is to decide? Is it up to self-styled “experts” to reset our moral compass and tell us what is right, and what wrong? Does the spouse decide? Or, do we depend on our own sense of morality?While love, sex and attention are traditional reasons for extra-marital affairs, contemporary times offer yet more reasons to stray…
Familiarity may or may not breed contempt, but it does breed boredom and a careless disregard of partners — a major reason for affairs. It may be all very well for Queen Victoria to ‘lie back and think of England’, but lesser mortals do think of other flesh and blood men/women when they close their eyes! And sometimes, these fantasies may spill into the real world too.
Technology gives us easy access and a fair bit of privacy and anonymity; with this, striking a friendship and building it to a crescendo was never easier! And then, just one step out of the virtual into the real world, and in the first flush of love chemicals, an extramarital affair is born…
It is not surprising that in an age that encourages self-exploration and fulfillment, it is boredom or search for excitement that leads to as many affairs as do actual bad marriages. Those in a perfectly rounded marriage are just as likely to stray into attractive, forbidden territory as those busy dealing with the jagged edges of relationships. Why do people stray? Is it the spark they miss in their marriages, or the sex? Are they looking for company and a bit of romance? Or, is it the high from lying and hiding?
Curiosity killed the cat
Psychiatrist Dr Anjali Chhabria says, "It's human nature to be curious. A teenager would definitely want to experiment and experience the information he/she has heard about sex. For certain kids who are more shy, withdrawn and introverts, social networking sites are best for communication. Kids who may be new to exploring sexuality or may have a high drive, do indulge in cyber sex or phone sex at times." Anju Uppal adds, "They are much more aware of things these days and they are very keen to experiment."
Studies have revealed that children, these days, are losing their virginity at a very young age. Experts say that with the average age of puberty going down to 9-10 years for girls and 10-11 years for boys, the average age for losing virginity too is going down. And the deadly paring with this is — awareness aboutsex is more these days and information (not always from the right sources) is freely available. Television, movies and most prominently the Internet is loaded with extremely easily accessible information and graphic details. This, most of the time, helps to entice the youngsters to experiment, who already have hormones raging through them.
And then of course other sensation-seeking factors leading to flings are curiosity and the fear of missing out. Rightly do women keep their guys away from male friends who have a roving eye! Research validates that 77 per cent of cheating men have friends who have cheated too. Available opportunity and the fear of missing out push many into flings they had no other reason to seek. You wonder what all the excitement is about and conclude you have as much right as the next person to figure for yourself the allure of a new someone.Psychiatrist Dr Anjali Chhabria says, "It's human nature to be curious. A teenager would definitely want to experiment and experience the information he/she has heard about sex. For certain kids who are more shy, withdrawn and introverts, social networking sites are best for communication. Kids who may be new to exploring sexuality or may have a high drive, do indulge in cyber sex or phone sex at times." Anju Uppal adds, "They are much more aware of things these days and they are very keen to experiment."
Studies have revealed that children, these days, are losing their virginity at a very young age. Experts say that with the average age of puberty going down to 9-10 years for girls and 10-11 years for boys, the average age for losing virginity too is going down. And the deadly paring with this is — awareness aboutsex is more these days and information (not always from the right sources) is freely available. Television, movies and most prominently the Internet is loaded with extremely easily accessible information and graphic details. This, most of the time, helps to entice the youngsters to experiment, who already have hormones raging through them.
Apart from curiosity and boredom – two contemporary life motivators for flings — experts also cite “revenge sex” as a reason for affairs, where one indulges after s/he has been cheated by a partner.
Lastly, before seeking answers to the question how to avoid affairs, we should consider – are humans designed to be monogamous? More on that another time …
How to kick-start your libido when you have fallen out of the sex habit
Know the person well before you get naughty: Remember that your text may become the next forward doing the rounds in the city. Make sure that the message you send can't be used against you. It's necessary that you trust the person you are sexting. Send a message or two before you get absolutely bold.
if you thought that the only benefit of sex was, well, pleasure, here's some news for you. Making love is good for adults. And making love regularly is even better. Not only does it help you sleep well, relieve stress and burn calories, there are also several other reasons why you need to have sex more often.
Improves cardiovascular health
A recent study says that men who have sex more than twice a week, have a lesser risk of getting a heart attack, than men who had sex less than once a month.
Increases immunity
Regular lovemaking increases the level of the immune-boosting antibody immunoglobulin A (IgA), which in turn makes your body stronger against illnesses like the common cold and fever.
Reduces stress
Stressed out with work or family problems? Don't let it affect your performance in the bedroom. Not only will having sex improve your mood, but a study has also proven that folks, who indulge in regular bedroom
activities can handle stress better and are happier people.
Relieves pain
If you're using a headache as an excuse to not make love, stop doing that. Have sex instead, because, when you're about to have an orgasm, the level of the hormone oxytocin increases by five times. This endorphin
actually reduces aches and pains.
Promotes longevity
When one has an orgasm, a hormone called dehydroepiandrosterone is released. This improves immunity, repairs tissue and keeps the skin healthy. Men, who have at least two orgasms a week, live longer than men who have sex just once every few weeks.
Increases blood circulation
Because your heart rate increases when you have sex, fresh blood is supplied to your organs and cells. While used blood is removed, the body also expels toxins and other materials that cause you to feel tired.
You sleep better
The sleep that you get just after you've made love will be much more relaxed. Getting a good night's sleep will make you feel alert and overall healthy.
Improves overall fitness
If you find going to the gym mundane or working out at home a task, here's another way to help you lose the flab and keep in shape. Regular sex will do wonders for your waistline. Half an hour of lovemaking burns more than 80 calories.
Don't sext when drunk: If you can't walk straight when you are drunk, how can you be trusted to sms when you are a few drinks down. You may end up regretting the message you've sent in the morning. But there's little you can do about it.
Go slow: Don't begin with an extremely raunchy text. There has to be some foreplay before you express yourself freely. If you begin with an extremely suggestive text the person on the other hand may think you are easy. Make sure you know what you are getting into.
Be careful before you hit the 'send' button: Never chat with two people at the same time when you are sexting. You don't want to send a wrong message to the wrong person, right? And though you may think that such incidents don't happen to you, why take the chance?
Have a password for you phone: If you are into sexting and save messages on your phone make sure that your phone is well protected. Change the setting and keep a password so that no one can access the information.
Never sext your colleague: Even if you have an informal environment in your office and your team cracks many adult jokes, don't take the liberty to send sexually suggestive texts to any of your team members. If he/she takes up the matter with the higher officials you may have to face major trouble.
Is it up to self-styled “experts” to reset our moral compass and tell us what is right, and what wrong? Does the spouse decide? Or, do we depend on our own sense of morality?While love, sex and attention are traditional reasons for extra-marital affairs, contemporary times offer yet more reasons to stray…
unusual news item caught my eye. It claimed that cuddling isn’t cheating. Really? The article went on to quote an “expert” saying that so long as the spouse is aware of the snuggles, all is above board! And what kind of a spouse would allow cuddling up with another? Not surprisingly, the article maintained silence on that.
Now, if cuddles were to be allowed, would the same courtesy extend to hand holding too? After all that is another form of reassurance and camaraderie. And how about a kiss? Or, just spooning? Or sex? Where does one draw the line?And if a physical expression such as cuddling is allowed, how about emotional attachments and exchange of confidences? Is that cheating? The list is endless and the debate carries on…
Increasingly people are looking at affairs and sex outside marriage as quick fixes to boredom or to a hiccup in a relationship. Intolerance and enhanced sense of self-entitlement are high risk factors for emotional and sexual fidelity. In a consumerist culture we feel entitled to get what we want. If something breaks, the first instinct is no longer to repair; you go out and get a replacement!
But very often nothing is broken, and yet you desire something new! High expectations and romanticised ideals give people a false sense of what a marriage really is, and while we happily ride the highs, the lows leave us feeling unfulfilled, unloved, undeserved — and looking out!
Often affairs are not a matter of push, but more a projection of self. In a culture of indulgence and entitlement, where we feel empowered and ready to take on the world, sometimes the home and hearth don’t seem enough. Often in an affair, sex takes a backseat when compared to the drug-like high of the chase and conquest. The thrill of snatched moments, the edge of guilt and fear of discovery add to the adventure and make people feel truly alive, desired and worthy. And then they are all set to “cheat.”
What exactly is cheating? Is thinking about another cheating? Is talking to someone cheating? If going out with someone for a coffee is fine, would the same hold if a woman goes alone with a man for a drink, or would the latter suggest more intimacy? Is lunch ok, but not dinner?
And who is to decide? Is it up to self-styled “experts” to reset our moral compass and tell us what is right, and what wrong? Does the spouse decide? Or, do we depend on our own sense of morality?While love, sex and attention are traditional reasons for extra-marital affairs, contemporary times offer yet more reasons to stray…
Familiarity may or may not breed contempt, but it does breed boredom and a careless disregard of partners — a major reason for affairs. It may be all very well for Queen Victoria to ‘lie back and think of England’, but lesser mortals do think of other flesh and blood men/women when they close their eyes! And sometimes, these fantasies may spill into the real world too.
Technology gives us easy access and a fair bit of privacy and anonymity; with this, striking a friendship and building it to a crescendo was never easier! And then, just one step out of the virtual into the real world, and in the first flush of love chemicals, an extramarital affair is born…
It is not surprising that in an age that encourages self-exploration and fulfillment, it is boredom or search for excitement that leads to as many affairs as do actual bad marriages. Those in a perfectly rounded marriage are just as likely to stray into attractive, forbidden territory as those busy dealing with the jagged edges of relationships. Why do people stray? Is it the spark they miss in their marriages, or the sex? Are they looking for company and a bit of romance? Or, is it the high from lying and hiding?
There can obviously not be any one reason that leads people into affairs. But research shows that the two biggest reasons for men are sex and attention, while women are mostly looking for emotional validation and a cure for loneliness. This is not to say that all factors don’t work for both! Being appreciated is a deep need of both sexes, one that is ignored as couples grow apart. Men miss emotional succor and love as much as women do in a relationship; men wish to be admired for their intellect and power, and their organizational capabilities. Women on the other hand need male attention to feel sexy and desirable, for their own self-esteem.
A deep connect with another helps validate your existence as an attractive and coveted individual, giving a boost to an ego battered by life’s daily grind. The need is not always sexual; it’s emotional too. Strangely, spouses hesitate to cater to each other’s emotional needs, seeing it as a weakness that could be exploited. They also hesitate to open up with each other, treating marriage more as a battleground. This is the chink through which a dissatisfaction of the soul creeps in, leaving the field open to an extra-marital fling with a more understanding ‘other’.
As a psychiatrist friend puts it, “One yearns for someone who accepts you as you are. There is no ego here — just complete ease and peace in each other’s company. It’s the comfort of an old familiar. You are convinced you are soul mates, meeting like tired travelers, reclaiming and harvesting each other.” Interactions with your love interest offer a comforting respite – you can be yourself, and know that you are appreciated. The stakes in this relationship are not high, so you let down your guard more comfortably.
And then of course other sensation-seeking factors leading to flings are curiosity and the fear of missing out. Rightly do women keep their guys away from male friends who have a roving eye! Research validates that 77 per cent of cheating men have friends who have cheated too. Available opportunity and the fear of missing out push many into flings they had no other reason to seek. You wonder what all the excitement is about and conclude you have as much right as the next person to figure for yourself the allure of a new someone.
Apart from curiosity and boredom – two contemporary life motivators for flings — experts also cite “revenge sex” as a reason for affairs, where one indulges after s/he has been cheated by a partner.
Lastly, before seeking answers to the question how to avoid affairs, we should consider – are humans designed to be monogamous? More on that another time …
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